I want to be excited about this resubmission, but I won't lest I jinx it. I found a software that analyzes statistical data thru Microsoft Excel. I think it worked well with my pilot study. The problem is, what if my teacher thinks it isn't accurate. *sigh*

I'm resubmitting the proposal tomorrow in the afternoon and I'm supposed to bring a list of all the stuff I have added. I'm scared. School has never had this much power over me.

I got back my proposal. It had two numbers on the second page: three and zero. Yes, Ma'am B gave me a tres. A passing grade. For my effort, I suppose? I don't know. Whenever I think about it, tears still well up in my eyes. I want to hit myself on the head for being so affected. But like what my friend told me, being affected by it only means that this actually means something to me. I just want to stop crying and put it all behind me and start working on my revision. I actually have the material already. (Can you believe I actually need to restructure basically my WHOLE chapter two?!) I just don't feel like doing it. At all. I'm not feeling well, and I think it's just all in my head. I've been feeling this way since the other day when my classmate told me to get my proposal already because it was already graded - uh, yeah.. the 3.0! ;_;

I was proud of that proposal. I was so happy, telling my parents that I did it! I finally finished it. And now here it is staring me in the face and the only thing I can see is the stupid grade. Why can't I see past that and just take all the comments in and channel my energy to making the proposal even better? Maybe I'm just stubborn, I don't know but yesterday was one of the worst days I've had. I sat in the hallway crying without knowing why, really. My friends looked over my proposal and I wanted to snatch it away from them, but did they listen? No. They looked through the whole thing, while I cried my eyes out. I know they were just curious, but whatever. I said no, but they still looked at it. AH, whatever. I'm starting to get petty. I hate feeling this way.

Now I know why the seniors always looked like the world was about to end and how they hated the word thesis so much. I don't hate it all that much but I wish the excitement I had for it months ago, was still here. Then maybe I'll have the energy to everything (practically) all over again.

I have about three or four days to re-submit. I better make this one the BEST possible proposal that I can ever hope to make. Sometimes, I don't know if I should be thankful or not for having a teacher who sets such high standards. I wish I didn't care for other people's grades. I wish I didn't have to compare myself to them, because right now all I feel is how I don't measure up to "the standards". Now, who's not going to feel bad about that, right? ):

So I submitted my "final" draft to Ma'am B yesterday. Oh wow, I was so scared of the oral exam! News was that it was super hard and the questions were out-of-this-world. I tried to read the handout as much as I could that morning. (Of course, I was typing away all night.)

Like I told Ma'am B, I kind of expected typing up my work a lot harder than it actually was. I was in bed by 1am, and that's actually pretty fast since I only started typing that morning and I had a class in the afternoon. I guess the notecards helped a lot. It made typing out stuff easier because everything was already organized into their own pretty pile. Haha. Funny thing was, I think I took an hour typing my biblio. What the heck, right? Well, of course things like LJ and Friendster got in the way. HAHA.

My oral exam, in my opinion, went pretty well, too. I was surprised that I was able to get the answer right, even. I mean, I practically just cited stuff from the handout and Ma'am B was impressed, I think. (: I've always said how I'm so intimidated by her, but I think I got on her good side when I came by yesterday morning and got to the hostel even earlier than her! HAHA! And I think I was the only one in my batch who passed in the morning. Everyone else came by in the afternoon. So anyway, she told me to do my pilot study right away so I can include it in the FINAL draft. So, I'm going to work that for the next two weeks (I should probably do two samples - eek!) and hopefully, I'll get to pass the final thing before the 6th of October.

Oh, and when my oral exam was done, Ma'am B was saying, I'll give you a good grade for your answer. Hooray. (: I was such a happy camper the rest of the day because of that. Yes, I can be a geek. (;

My submission is this Friday and I haven't touched the first draft saved on this computer. I'm not about ready to panic yet. Actually, I'm excited as to how my final draft is going to turn out. I finally got the copy of my professor's study. Ma'am P, who was my teacher in 181, had a professorial lecture on OCC, so that's going to be a lot of help. I'm just worried about my framework (both conceptual and theoretical, although I think I found two theories I can use) and the third chapter. But Ma'am B was ever so kind to furnish us with a handout that tackled the Methodology part. It was a real simple, clear-cut example so I think I can manage. I have the rest of the week to work on this. I'm going to try and make it the best that is possible. I'm so lucky I found an instrument I could use. Now the only problem is to adapt it to my research problem.

*cringe* I wish senior year was over. So I can finally say I'm done with school. Really.